This morning, I feel a renewed sense of energy. I started feeling it yesterday, but I wasn't sure I could let myself go with it as I didn't want to get too excited and realize I had overdone it. However, I can now safely say that I am on my way to returning to whatever normalcy I am accustomed to in my life.
I feel it's safe to say that I have survived my surgery - which I still look at as being more of a procedure but no longer a PROCEDURE done by TOM. (I didn't realize until writing this today that the all caps must have been some sort of subconscious connection to the The Shining and little Danny's inability to process such things as "REDRUM" which, as we know, is just murder spelled backwards. Can you sense the horror I felt before?) Since I'm no longer scared, I'm not afraid to call it either surgery or procedure, and TOM can go back to being Tom.
I did manage to somewhat block the procedure out of my thoughts until about ten minutes before the orderly wheeled me back to pre-op. Until that point, my husband had been supporting me quietly, just listening to me when I needed to talk, probably still thinking he'd be the loser in the battle between Irrational and Rational me. However at this particular moment, he tried to give me his suck-it-up pep talk usually reserved for his male athletes who are having difficulty facing the challenge presented to them. Looking back, I feel almost honored that he thought I had the mental toughness to handle what he said to me, however at the moment, I dissolved into tears. And while I did try to show him I had some fight in me by giving him a sign of my displeasure with that pep talk, I turned into a blubbery mess admitting that, "I am scared, and I hate being scared, and I hate even more admitting that I am scared." In response, he gave me a kiss on the forehead, and I was wheeled out.
Along the way, the orderly tried to make some small talk to lighten the situation, but probably should have just not talked at all, asking how I incurred my injury, and then commenting, "Well, I guess that's what you get for being active." I said nothing, but seriously wanted to reach up and punch the guy in the face (maybe a residual feeling toward my husband's pep talk?). Even though I was scared to death about being put under anesthesia, the alternative and side-effects of an inactive lifestyle is truly unthinkable. I hope the orderly was being sarcastic or maybe this young lad doesn't have a lot of experience dealing with sniffling females, so I cut him a break and kept my hands to myself.
Once back in pre-op, the nurses and doctors were definitely veterans and accustomed to dealing with crybabies like me. When questioned by them, I freely told my story, each time feeling a bit better admitting that I was scared to death about the anesthesia. They all understood my concerns and fears, but the best comfort I received was from my surgeon, Tom, who said, "I felt the exact same way when I had my knee scoped. I got back here, and I started thinking 'Maybe it's not that bad,' but once I had the Happy Juice, I didn't care. You'll feel like you just slammed a six-pack, and you won't care either." Knowing that my doctor wanted to run away from the pre-op bay too helped me settle down. As did the Happy Juice.
The entire procedure went off without a hitch. My husband redeemed himself immediately post-surgery and was promptly forgiven by ordering me a take-out, not drive through, bacon cheeseburger melt with fries. Actually, I had forgiven him even before I left for surgery, but this was icing on the cake - or in my case, bacon on my cheeseburger.
My recovery has gone well, and I'm headed back toward normal, even if showering with Saran Wrap wound tightly over your knee is not. I'm still gimpy, as my daughter reminded me last night when she hunched over and pretended to walk with a cane, mimicking my 95 year-old woman walk. I'm okay with that - it made me laugh. I am also happy that I can go up and down stairs, drive, and even do laundry and clean the litter box again, as being grounded to the couch for three days was definitely a challenge.
Simply put, being able to live my life how I want to leaves me vitalized, and it is worth the fear and frustration and annoyances I might encounter along the way. It's my own brand of Happy Juice.
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